Some months ago, I wrote about deadbeat fathers who want to reap where they have not sown.
And I mean the ones who abandon their children, and show up during the wedding to do father of the bride or groom, the ones who get old and sick and then look for the children they abandoned to look after them, or the ones who surface in the lives of the children they abandoned as soon as the child becomes a success or hit some big money.
So, this lady came inbox to tell me her story.
Her father abandoned her mother and two elder sisters when she was less than two. He abandoned them for another woman to give him a male child.
At 28, when it was time for her to get married, her husband gave her the condition that she must apologize to her father and make peace with him. Because he is the one he wants to pay bride price to, and have him bless their marriage.
She told me she obliged because she didn’t want to lose the man.
I was so infuriated, I told her that I was done with the chat.
Why would a man who wants to marry a woman ask her to apologize to a man who abandoned her and her sisters for over 26years, since she was 2, as a condition to marrying her?
And why would a woman put up with such stupid condition?
I blame the wicked men who give such conditions just a little. I blame the women who succumb to such stupid conditions even more.
Occurrences like this is why some men will abandon their children and have the effrontery to say “She will come and look for me when she wants to get married.”. Or “He will grow up one day and ask for his father.”.
Deadbeat fathers in Nigeria do not get to face the consequences of their irresponsibility and failures as parents, that’s why more men will continue to be bold enough to abandon their children with the hope that the children will come back for them some day.
The kind of stupid conditions some Nigerian women succumb to in the desperation to be “Mrs Idiot” is worrisome.
When we keep pampering deadbeat parents, we pass across the message that “You can abandon your child and fail as a parent, especially if you are the father. Your child will come and look for you someday. In short, when you get sick, that child you abandoned will come and look after you. You are the sperm or womb donor, they carry your genes in them, so even though you are a complete failure as a parent, you will not bear any consequences.”.
This is the message the Nigerian society pass across when you keep encouraging or coercing children of deadbeat parents to go pay homage to the parents who abandoned them.
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I love the Caucasians for one thing. They care much more about who was there for them than they care about blood relationship. The persons who was there for them, who changed their diapers, fed them, sheltered them, looked after them when they were sick, played the parental role for them are the persons they recognized as family.
If you like be the sperm or womb donor. If you abandoned them and failed in your parental responsibility, they will treat you like they would a common stranger.
For most Caucasians who go out in search of parents who abandoned them, it is mainly to satisfy their curiosity, and to be able to trace their ancestral origins. It is seldom to get back into the live of that person.
A Caucasian will not look for a deadbeat father or mother to walk them down the aisle. It is the person who was there for them and/or played the role of parents to them that they recognize as their parent.
In Nigeria, we pamper them and even pay bride price to them. We almost hug, kiss and congratulate them for being irresponsible. We console ourselves by calling it forgiveness. We might as well go to the prisons and release all the criminals, including murderers on death row, so we can win the award for the most forgiving nation. ?
Your father abandoned you since you were born. Your mother suffered to raise you. And when you want to get married, someone tells you that he must pay homage to your father, and you agreed?
So, your mother who suffered for you is the fool. She suffered for one sperm donor to come and take all the glory and honour, huh? You and that husband that gave you that condition need to have your heads checked.
I’m saying this for other young people with deadbeat parents. Those persons who were there for you are the persons who should get the honour, NOT one sperm or womb donor.
-Written by Nkechi Bianze
Deadbeat fathers should not be encouraged.
