I felt tired of the whole charade that was my life -Ese Walter
Being strong is a good trait but not everybody is emotionally and psychologically strong. Ese Walter wrote: “The last few weeks taught me something about strength.
Those close to me say to me sometimes, “babe, you are strong.” And I always denied it. I couldn’t accept that I was strong. I felt weak, completely useless sometimes.
So they had to be patronizing me. Strong how? Until the last 8 weeks presented all it did and I found that I still woke up every morning.
On one of such mornings I was ready to end it all. I sat in bed rationalizing how easier it will be to leave. How my babies are too small and may not remember a mother.
How the people who will be left with them will be kind enough to not tell them how Mummy left.
I wrote a note and cried a little. A friend I was chatting to at the time said, “just hang in there. Just wait.” I thought, “wait for what? It’s not like anyone will really miss me. The world has a way of moving on when people go and I was already tired of being here.”
I felt tired of the whole charade that was my life. The waking up, creating, destroying, hopelessness of the space around me and emptiness in my being.
But I waited. I cried some more and I slept. When I woke up, whatever that was, had passed. It got me thinking about how people choose to end life in a moment.
I agreed with myself that it was valid and those people were strong. I was the weak one for thinking about kids and listening to my friend who said, “wait.”
A few days later I was with my kids. For the first time in a long time, I was present. Not wanting to press my phone or Video call anyone telling them, “go play or go sit down mummy’s on the phone.”
Then I made a decision, all by myself with no person’s input. One that turned out to be the smartest move I have made in my life so far.
When I started telling my friends about what had been happening to me over the last few weeks, the responses were, “babe, you are strong.” This time I believed it. I didn’t understand how I pulled through all I did.
It reminded me of the many troubles I had encountered as the Ese I have been and how I always wake up the next day.
No matter what happens or was happening, I wake up the next morning. Sometimes in tears, other times numb, confused, alone and afraid.
I wondered why I didn’t tell all my issues, even to friends, when said issues were happening. Why I always wait until it was saner or over. I understood something. As relieving as talking is, a lot of times, people we talk to about our issues feel they need to solve it for us and they may insist we do things a certain way. The way their own minds can handle which we may or may not be ready for.
Sometimes, people going through stuff just need to unburden. No advice required. At least not in that moment. And many times, some people need to go through certain experiences to be able to relate with life and build resilience.
I have a lot of stories about the last few weeks and some hard decisions I had to make that turned out alright. Most of those stories will be in my next book. I’d also share what needs to be shared on here for those who need to read it.
So what’s the purpose of all this jist? The girl is still here 💗 Annnnnnd, life’s tests, struggles, experiences et all comes to build you into who you need to be.
Sometimes you will give up, but remember each morning you wake up, you can start over. And you do actually.
Good morning from here.”
Ese Walter 💗