Women need marriage for nothing -Esiri Ukueku-Uduaghan

Growing up in a patriarchal society as a young girl, you are socially engineered to look forward to your wedding day.

I guess it’s something in the breast milk that female babies are fed. Your Wedding day is the ultimate day of your life and you are expected to look forward to it with dreamy eyes and butterflies in your tummy.

Having also been inundated with societal orientations from books like Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Raponzel, Sleeping beauty and movies like Sound of music etc, the need for marriage as a woman is instilled in you by default.

As women get done with high school and proceed to their various higher institutions of learning.. the desire to graduate from that institution with 2 certificates becomes the dream of most women (ie Marriage certificate and your bachelors degree).

Unfortunately, some women even go as far as foregoing the latter for the former completely unperturbed and ignorant of the effects of that decision, because once you have marriage, who needs an educational certificate right?

What a shame! Not forgetting those women who even get married off before they are able to complete their high school education.

A single woman who graduates from the higher institution, gets done with her NYSC and gets a good paying job is perceived by society to be incomplete. Why is this so? Because she remains unmarried and therefore getting married becomes a super priority and until that occurs she is mentally conditioned to be unsettled, which is why people equate marriage with the concept of “settling down”.

Society has pulled a thick wool over the eyes of women in this regard. Marital expectations are kept hanging over the heads of women as something of an achievement but no one bothers to tell us why.

Yes!! Why exactly? Why must women get married? Why exactly is there a need for marriage?

If I do find a man who loves me and I love him too, why must we get married? What stops us from dating and loving ourselves in perpetuity outside of marriage?

When it comes to education, we are told why it’s important. When it comes to having babies, we are told of its importance? But Marriage?. What is its relevance to a woman? What exactly does a married woman gain from marriage that cannot be gained in 10 folds outside the marital union.

Ladies & gentlemen, the pragmatic answer to that question up there void of sentiments of any kind is – Nothing. Marriage affords a woman absolutely no benefit that she cannot access without it.

Women need marriage for nothing

Well, some people will disagree with me vehemently. As a matter of fact, the popular notion is that WOMEN NEED MARRIAGE MORE THAN MEN. Now if there ever was a fallacious statement loaded with Bull Crap, you are looking it at up there 👆🏿 in CAPS LOCK.

Below are some of the BASELESS reasons people proffer as to why marriage is and should majorly be a female NEED. Lets put them to test, shall we?

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1. CHILDREN

This one cracks me up all the freaking time. Like seriously? No single woman who has a child today requires the institution of marriage to have one.

I’m pretty sure most of us studied biology in school and were taught what factors bring about babies, and a distinctly absent factor is Marriage. Marriage does not a baby make.

As a matter of fact there are women who have no babies today because they are married to the wrong match biologically. Perhaps if they were single and trying for a baby with a few good men, ding! ding! Baby bells.

Now, the only factor that attaches babies to marriage is SENTIMENTS. Religious Sentiments, Moral Sentiments etc and that is why you would find a 38-year-old woman who could totally care for her baby financially and otherwise refusing to get pregnant or undertaking an abortion because harmful societal construct has mentally conditioned her to believe that she should only have babies within the confines of wedlock. Well, good luck with that.

One thing is sure, the roles of Husband & Wife as established by marriage are not necessary for parenting. The necessary roles are father and mother and committed parents can effectively co-parent their child outside the bands of marriage.

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2. SEX:

Sex? Did I hear you say sex?

Listen, I can tell you for free that single women are having much more sex than married women. As a matter of fact, a lot of married women had much more sex with their chosen spouses when they were dating than they are having now that they are married.

Sex, and I mean the toe curling, earth shattering, life changing Kind, is not something you require marriage to experience. Nope!! it’s not. You can completely experience good love making outside of marital walls. Most women do.

Let’s be real, what was good sex gradually becomes boring routine dutiful sex within marriage. Sustaining sexual chemistry after marriage is something a lot of couples struggle with.

It’s such a travesty to be honest. But speaking frankly (if you would let me) Sex is one of the major reasons marriage is detrimental to women. Why? I’ll tell you.

Medical reports show that 50% of men begin to experience a decline in their sex drive at age 40. Erectile dysfunction is a thing and it affects 50% of men from the age of 40. Now that’s a ginormous percentage if you ask me, but guess what… on the flip side reports show that a lot of women experience a significant rise in sex drive from the age of 40.

So what do we have here👉 you see that moment when a woman is at her sexual peak, bursting with hormones, yearning for mind blowing orgasms and squirting experiences she is probably tied down by MARRIAGE to a man whose sexual libido is dysfunctional or tanking. In what world is this sort of disappointment a blessing? 🤣

Now, women require orgasms and sexual pleasures to keep looking young and fresh, happy and boisterous at that age, but are they getting it within marriage? Nope, Nopidy, Nope, most of them aren’t.

A lot of married women do not have a healthy sex life with their partners, for too many reasons you can imagine, and so a woman who craves sex 15 times a week is having it.. let’s say about – once in 8months😧 (or worse), no orgasms guaranteed. Whereas if she were single 😜 – your guess is as good as mine..

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3. SECURITY:

Considering most men can’t boast of 2 packs🙄let alone 6packs😜, the security referred to here is not that of the protective kind but the financial kind.

In the olden day’s, people got married up to elevate their families financial or social status. Marriage was not primarily based on love.

But what do we have today? What percentage of our male population are wealthy? What percentage of our female population are poor? What percentage of women are actually married to men who can afford to give them and their families Financial Security in the full sense of the word?

We all know that, the affluent amongst us prefer to marry the Opulent in the society. The exceptions are very few. These people love to mingle in their circle. They desire to associate with people within their social class and not below.

And even amongst the few middle or lower class women (if any) who are able to marry amongst the wealthy, how many of those women are wealthy by virtue of their marriage. Yes!! We know, they drive expensive cars registered in their husband’s names, Live in houses built and owned by their husbands, own shops rented by their husbands etc, and if for any reason that marriage comes to an end… they drop right to the floor with little or nothing to fall back on.

The major access to financial security (if any) a woman may gain through marrying the wealthy is by having babies for the wealthy. It’s not the marriage, it’s the child/children. And a woman could totally have a baby in this fashion and enjoy the benefits thereof without having to marry the wealthy.

Did I hear someone say, they would take the baby from her and leave her penniless? Well, there’s that chance, but the exact same can happen within marriage as well. At some point, they could divorce her, gain custody of the kids and leave her penniless, then what?

As a matter of fact, marriage has been known to hold down more women from attaining financial security than it affords them the opportunity to.

We have so many men peddling the ideology of ; My wife must not work, stay at home and take care of the kids, you can get a job but not that job, it’s too time consuming, you can’t take a job where you have to travel a lot, who will take care of your husband, you can’t practice medicine, it’s too tasking, let me open a shop for you. I don’t want a lawyer/surgeon/pilot/actress for a wife etc… I can go on and on … loads of women have had to jettison their dreams and prospects of a financial secure future in exchange for a marriage that is incapable of giving them that security.

Women are told marriage gives them financial security, but it’s really just a semblance of it, a mirage. A person’s financial security is sacrosanct to their well being, and if a woman’s security is tied to marriage then she’ll have to die there regardless of what she suffers therein and that is how Modern Day Slavery is Crystallized.

Women do not need Marriage for financial security. We are good and capable of working off our butts and making our own money. In today’s world, a lot of marriages are characterized by dual income. A lot of families especially in this economy cannot stand on a husband’s income alone.

Therefore, if most married women have to work in addition to their husbands to sustain the home, where then lies the financial security promised to women by Marriage? It’s a facade.

In any case, even if a woman’s life finance strategy was to depend on men. Then marriage doesn’t necessarily foster that objective. Why have to be loyal and committed to one deep pocket, when you can have 4 deep pockets in various countries of the world and make a killing…

what happens if the one deep pocket you marry crashes and looses all of his wealth.?
What happens if he dies and leaves you nothing in his will?

If you were single you simply move up to the next available deep pocket. As a matter of fact a single woman with this aim at heart could choose to move up to a deeper pocket simply because it is deeper.. the bonds of marriage makes this transition pretty difficult.

Be it known to all, that Marriage guarantees no woman any financial security that a single woman cannot access in multiple folds.

Who is Genevieve’s Husband? Who is Tiwa’s Husband? Who is Oprah’s Husband? Even Folorunsho Alakija did not gain access to her wealth by virtue of Marriage.

Don’t get me wrong, it is trite fact that we have more Male high earners in our society than female. But in essence this only proves that some women may need to lean on men for financial support. But marriage only restricts such a woman to a Man, not Men.

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4. KEEPING A MAN:

Some women are advised to go into marriage for the purpose of keeping a good man, cos apparently – Men Are Scarce.

I hear you!! 😏Men are not Scarce, it’s good Men that are scarce. But guess what, good women are just as Scarce. So why aren’t Men pressured to go into marriage when they find a good woman?.

As a matter of fact, a lot of men toss and mess around with good women only to dump them for the next available woman.. irrespective of whether she’s Good or Bad and then on to the next and to the next.

Do you know why? Because unlike women, men are not pressured by the notion that women are scarce. Neither are they pressured by the issues of biological clocks and the likes.. Women are but in actual fact, we shouldn’t be.

If your biological clock is running up the ladder … Have a baby!!!!

It’s so much easier for a woman to decide to get pregnant and conceive within a week of making that decision, than it is to get a woman who will conceive and carry his baby to full term without the Marriage Topic. But societal sentiments and mental conditionings have held you bound by invisible shackles ..

If your man is not treating you right, dump him and move to the next, and the next and the next, you can even keep multiple for multiple purposes… But No!! Societal sentiments won’t let you, because body count…

But what are these things really ? Are they tangible rational logical reasonings based on restraining factors? No. They are mere sentiments.

Men are not scarce.. there are men everywhere.. As a matter of fact when it comes to men, Most Single and Married men are Available…🤣🤣 anyone that challenges this fact should try searching women’s inboxes.
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5. SOCIAL STATUS:

This is the mother of all useless sentiments. The Mrs. Title. is totally and fully based on societal pressures. It is completely void of rationality. What does the Mrs Title really and truly afford you? Does it guarantee, Peace, love, companionship, good heath, good wealth, respect, solvency etc… Nope…

As a matter of fact there are single women basking in all of these benefits and married women who are laboring under the absence of them. These are not benefits marriage affords you, these are benefits anyone person could get rolling in the right circle of people.

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6. SOCIAL LIFE:

For many married women this dies instantly. As a married women there are certain things you can’t do, certain friends you can’t keep, certain places you can’t go, certain ways you can’t dress ~Says Society.

While the men get to hang out with the boys every other evening at the pub, drinking, smoking, watching football and the likes. A woman is home nursing babies and catering to children.

For many, their dreams of seeing the world and going on vacations to exciting places is completely foregone.

Going to see a movie is a luxury, let alone reading a book. Hell!! Some peace and quiet for a few minutes is a luxury…

Most men after marriage completely stop dating their wives.. no fancy dinners, no hang outs, no special time together. The romance and public displays of affection comes to an abrupt halt.

Life as you know it is over and a barricade of stress nurturing babies & Husband is your new life long responsibility for a good 25 yrs or more depending on the number of children you have, by the time you are done you are well over your 50’s and it feels like your whole life has blown passed you.

Most Men just up and go, achieving their dreams, traveling for business meetings, some men even take their vacations separate from their wives and children.. Go Figure😏
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I could go on about every single reason women have been told marriage is more beneficial to them and you’ll find it’s all lies. I cannot point at one single superior benefit that women gain from being married.

Some people would argue from the legal angle of inheritance for the children. If a man writes a will and assigns properties to his children, they will get it whether or not he is Married to their mother.

If he dies intestate (without a will) his children would be entitled to a share of his properties, whether or not he was married to their mother.

If a couple is merely cohabiting or co-parenting and they make the smart decision of jointly acquiring assets and properties, at the demise of either party the surviving party would have all of those properties fully reverted to him/her with full ownership vested in them. You don’t need marriage for this to happen.

The joys of love, companionship, friendship and support can all be enjoyed outside the confines of marriage.

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In my opinion, Women give away and continue to give away so much in marriage and what really do they get in return…

Firstly, most women lose their names, their known identity up until they get married to take up another man’s name.

In our neck of the woods, the title of wife is akin to a newly acquired maid.
Wife Meaning – The female spouse of a heterosexual couple, in charge of cooking, cleaning, nursing babies and husband, who is still expected to go out working to bring home the bacon.

A hot sexy babygirl gets married and she gets pregnant, her body suffers a barricade of stress attacks from top to bottom for at least 36weeks.

She LABORS to have the baby through a life and death medical procedure … and is faced with breast feeding, stretch marks, a protruding sometimes drooping tummy, skin color change, flat boobs, depression amidst other debilitating factors which all cumulate to vest in a man (whose major contribution to this whole process was merely to enjoy the pleasures of sex) the title of – Father! Wonderful

Please Note, that marriage is the surest way for men to lay claims to their babies as fathers. If a woman is married and she has a baby, the presumption is that her husband is the Father.

We do know that in some Nigerian cultures where a man doesn’t marry a woman and she has a baby, that baby would belong to the woman’s family.

Save for DNA, how does a man lay claim to his baby.. in a baby mama situation. The mother of a child is always known, and it’s whoever the Mother says is the father that is the father.

In advanced countries, a woman can elect to register her baby without stating a father. She can merely state that the father of the child is not involved in his life and the child would be registered accordingly. An interested father would have to go to court to get that revoked after first of all proving that he is indeed the father.

And when this baby is named 8 days later whose name does he bear? Say what? Louder? Again? The Man’s. Great!

So we go through all of that only to give our babies a man’s identity right after losing ours… Awesome Benefit🙄

When that baby girl is about to get married, who walks her down the aisle and gives her out.. Husband .. Amazing!😏

When the all famous patriarchal Bride price is paid, who dictates it and receives it.. – Father .. Interesting! 🤦‍♀️

So what exactly is the benefit/ advantage of Marriage to women to create a basis for the widely spread notion that – Women Need Marriage or worse that Women Need Marriage More Than Men.

The Purveyors of this school of thought did so knowing fully well that Men reap from Marital pressures put on women and as usual women who have internalized patriarchy, being mere products of their orientation go out pontificating this nonsense over the roof tops.

🖕Nothing could be farthest from the truth. It is fundamentally untrue.What is true, is that women would fair a lot better without marriage.

So, if you are a married man who once believed this notion, wipe it off your head. You did not do your wife a favor and no man is doing any woman a favor by marrying her.

Women need to understand – you do not NEED marriage as a necessity. It is truly merely a want.

Marry if you want, and Don’t if you don’t. But if you do choose to get married, Marry that man because HE LOVES YOU as you do him, and he wants to SHARE the rest of his life with you ( TREATING YOU RIGHT) as you do him.

Marriage is for all intents and purposes a PARTNERSHIP OF EQUALS. No one should make you feel like they are doing you a favor.

#StayWoke#
#DropsPen#

Kate

I am a writer, a journalist and phenomenal woman. I don't conform to societal stereotypes. I am passionate about women and the issues that plague womanhood in this part of the world. Engage and be awakened.

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2 Responses

  1. Hawwah says:

    I love this piece. You are so dope
    Permission to share on my site

  2. Emy says:

    Thank you for this! I am so woke! My future children male and female will remain woke that marriage is not compulsory!

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