Yesterday afternoon, I had a conversation with a woman regarding the trending Ngozi and Nkiru penis dragging issue.
AG: Kate, why are you supporting Nkiru for sleeping with her best friend’s husband? If your best friend does that to you, will you like it?
ME: I am not supporting Nkiru. I am just pointing out the fact that Ngozi is senseless. Why beat, strip and record an outsider over your community penis? Did Nkiru take marriage vows with her?
AG: Do you think it’s easy to deal with such a betrayal?
ME: Do you think hurting, maiming, possibly killing someone and going to jail for a man is worth the stress?
AG: You don’t talk like a married woman. Is this the kind of advice you give to newly married women?
ME: You don’t talk like a sensible and reasonable woman. Is this the kind of nonsense you teach women in your church, to fight side chics and inflict bodily harm on them because of their irresponsible husbands?
AG: Let me ask you a question.
ME: Shoot baby.
AG: If you catch your husband having sex with your friend, sister or relative, what will you do?
ME: Laughs my wicked laugh in Aguleri dialect. Nne, I will walk away. I won’t lay hands on any of them. I cannot go to jail fighting over the ownership of a man’s penis.
AG: Easier said than done. You won’t cry or carry weapon to break their heads.
ME: Of course I will cry because it hurts but carry weapon, no. I am not stupid like that.
AG: Then you don’t love yourself husband. If you love your husband, you will fight for him.
ME: I love my husband but I love myself more.
AG: What does that mean?
ME: It means I love myself so much that I won’t do anything that will possibly destroy my life because of another person’s irresponsibility.
ME: It means that I won’t go to jail for a man. It means I have options to do what’s best for me instead of resorting to violence.
ME: It means I put myself first before taking decisions. It means I don’t allow any relationship turn me into who I am not because I am trying to protect a grown man and his wandering penis.
Aunty Gwegwegwe looks at me as if I dropped from the sky.
AG: You are lying. No woman would stomach such betrayal without lashing out at her husband’s side chic.
ME: I have set my mind that no matter what happens in my relationship, my peace and sanity comes first. You should do that too so you don’t go beating, threatening and inflicting injuries on different women because your horseband refuses to keep his stick in his pants.
AG: I don’t believe you. Do you mean fighting for your home is not worth it?
ME: A home that I have to fight other women to keep is not the kind of home I want and it’s definitely not worth the stress and fights.
AG: And you say you are a Christian.
ME: Yes, I am a Christian not a foolish woman. I don’t fight to keep an unwilling man.
AG: I will say it again, you don’t love your husband.
ME: And I will say it again, my love for him doesn’t make me stupid, foolish and violent. I choose my battles wisely.
AG: Okay, continue deceiving yourself.
ME: Thank you Grand Patron of Nigerian Married Women Fighters Association. Well done. Have you fought any side chic today?
AG: Why are you insulting me now?
ME: I just asked a question nne. Are you no longer a penis protector and side chic fighter?
AG: I will continue to fight for my marriage. These girls are all over town seducing innocent men and causing wives heartaches. I will fight them to finish.
ME: Fight on, street fighter. Do you need new fighting uniform and boxing gloves? You should upgrade your penis protecting fighting skills.
AG: Goodbye, I don’t want to get angry.
ME: Goodbye, penis protector.
Silly women and their annoying fighting mindset.