A young lady sent me a message asking how to know when she meets the one and it got me thinking. Many times when young ladies talk about relationships, they ask one another how they know when they have met the love of their lives and the one they should marry.
How are you supposed to know if the person you are with right now is ‘the one?’ How do you know the person you are dating now is the one that you are going to want to spend the rest of your life with, have tons of sex with, and maybe even have children with?
But not many ladies ask themselves if the guy they are dating is not the one. They desperately hold on to men who don’t love them, the ones who disrespect them and those who clearly show them that they are not planning to have a future with them.
Ladies should stop being desperate to get married. It is this desperation that makes high flying ladies marry guys who are beneath them mentally and financially and those who see their success as a threat to their manhood. The desire to find the right partner can lead you to overlook red flags, label erratic behavior as typical ups and downs of a relationship, and console yourself with nobody is perfect excuse.
But if you are true to yourself, you should know the signs that the person you are dating is not the one for you. Here are 10 signs to look out for:
1. If you don’t share the same values with the person you are dating, don’t bother taking your relationship further
It is not a curse but if you and your partner are not on the same page regarding important issues, your relationship won’t last. If your man believes that women are inferior to men and you believe in gender equality, why are you both unequally yoked? What kind of marriage will you both enjoy if your man believes you are an appendage and not his equal? Your partner is supposed to support your life dreams and be happy to see you soar instead of using religion and culture to stifle you. If you think he will change after marriage, you are lying to yourself. His behaviour will get worse after you get married.
2. Any man that doesn’t prioritize you is not the one you should settle down with
I see women make this mistake all the time because they are blinded by love and the desperation to get married. They tell themselves that it doesn’t really matter until they start facing hell in their marriages. If you are constantly being pushed to second place, you will start feeling bad. Your partner shouldn’t focus all his attention on work or business and still expect you to be there for them when they need you. That’s being selfish.
Any man who doesn’t prioritize you is not one who should be in your life. Marriage is a very long journey to start putting up with an absentee partner before you even embark on the journey. You will end up tired, sad and bitter when you both finally get married.
3. If he refuses to compromise, he is not the one
Compromise is important in relationships but if you feel like you are fighting almost every day or walking on eggshells around your partner, there’s a communication breakdown happening. Things won’t change when you get married if you don’t tackle your issues immediately. Toxic situations with multiple and frequent arguments that go unresolved is not a good sign that you should marry that person you are dating. When you add domestic violence to the mix, these are glaring signs that he is not the right one. You shouldn’t excuse your partner’s violent behaviour even before you tie the knot.
4. If your partner uses words to make you feel bad about yourself, then he is not the one
Name calling, frequent use of sarcasm and comments that hit below the belt on a frequent basis are signs that you are not with the one. In fact, those kind of behavior are unacceptable if you are honest with yourself. If your partner is putting you down a lot under the guise of jokes, maybe you need to rethink whether or not you want to bear the brunt of his unending painful jokes for the next 20 years after you get married.
5. Any man who blames you for your relationship problems, he is not the one
If your partner blames you and does not take responsibility for his own part in arguments, you are looking at an unhealthy marriage or long-term relationship. If your partner has anger issues and berates you without reflection of where it comes from, it’s a red flag. It is important for couples to argue or fight in healthy ways to avoid hurting one another with their words and actions. It is important that each person examine what kind of changes they can make to be a better person rather than being preoccupied with being right.
6. Ladies, stay away from controlling men, they will drain you emotionally and mentally
If your partner’s insecurities is leading to controlling behaviours, then you need to give that person some space. We all have insecurities but if you are forbidden from dressing up or looking nice because he worries it will attract the opposite sex and make you leave him, it is time to be concerned. Control is not love. When a man is exhibiting controlling behaviour by telling you what to wear, who to talk to, where to go, how to dress and who to relate with, don’t laugh it off by saying he is doing all that because he loves you. Marrying a controlling man is hell on earth.
7. If your partner keeps lying to you and cheating on you, he is not the one
That person won’t make a good spouse. You don’t want to end up with someone you can’t trust and one who believes that cheating on you doesn’t mean anything as long as he gives you money and buys you gifts. This is how many women get trapped in hellish marriages and keep complaining to every Tom, Dick and Harry about their husbands’ behaviour.
8. You are always making excuses for him
If that man never keeps his words, he is not he one. He’s late, again. He’s cancelled, again. He’s made you cry, again. He lied to you again. He cheated on you again. He hit you again. He slapped you again. he stole from you again. But it’s not his fault because you make flimsy excuses for him. You even blame yourself for being beaten and claim that you provoke him because you talk too much. Aunty, you are on a long thing. Young lady, if you find yourself making excuses for him over and over again, you are not the problem and he is. Stop fantasizing about being his wife, get out of this relationship and find someone in the real world that behaves like a sane human being and one who you can relate with peacefully without fear and excuses.
9. You feel sad and frustrated more than you feel happy
It is sweet to be in a good, loving and exciting relationship. But good relationships takes work. It takes the efforts of both parties to make their relationship work. So, if you are trying your best to make that relationship work and you end up angry, bitter and frustrated most of the time because your guy is not doing his part, he is not the one. Good relationships have their ups and downs but if your relationship leaves you feeling unhappy more often than it does happy, then something is very wrong. Take a step back, look at what you have, and work out if it’s really worth it.
10. If your partner doesn’t like your family and friends, he is not the one you should marry
A man who truly loves you will accept your family and friends and love the people who have been in your life before him. He doesn’t have to enjoy a close relationship with them but he has to love and respect them for your sake. If he threatens to leave you because of the close knit relationship you have with your family and friends which is not affecting your relationship with him, he is a bully in the making. He is not the one.
Even though there are no perfect relationship, knowing who you are in a relationship with as well as their strengths and weaknesses will make you know how to make informed decisions about what you can take and the things you can’t endure.