5 steps women in abusive marriages can take to escape from their abusers

There are proactive steps Nigerian women in abusive marriages can take to escape from their abusers. Remaining in an abusive marriage and crying will not solve their problems.

Praying for God to change the men who beat them blue black whenever they feel like it is a waste of time and prayers. Abusers don’t understand that kind of language.

If a woman must escape from an abusive marriage and remain standing, there are steps she can take to make this a reality. Below are some steps women who are living with violent men can find beneficial:

“Dear woman, please listen.

It has become pertinent that I stress this point once again.

If you are in an abusive or insecure marriage and by that I mean;

1) A marriage where your spouse beats you up,

2) Displays severe outbursts of violence that could make you really scared for your life and the safety of your children,

3) Consistently threatens to throw you out of your home and/or actually carries out this threat by throwing you out over flippant arguments/excuses/ridiculous fights;

Sister, you need a plan…

I’m a big softie and sucker for my gender. I can’t stand it when you women come to me for help at the point of danger with all your aces completely obliterated.

Nigerian women, always think of putting yourself at a point of advantage. Think of yourself for a change for God’s sake.

Women are on the average, physically weaker than men and the laws and security agencies in this part of the world are inadequate to cater to the varying issues that affect women in marital unions.

It therefore stands to reason that you should endeavor to be emotionally, financially and intellectually stronger, because when SHIT hits the fan that your spouse will over power you by exerting his physical and financial strength.

I had earlier advised in a previous post that if you are a woman who has found herself in any of those circumstances highlighted above (or any circumstance ancillary to those) STOP HAVING CHILDREN WITH/FOR YOUR ABUSER. LOCK YOUR WOMB.

Now in addition to that, do well to ensure the following:

a) Take out all relevant documents of yours and your kids from that house. e.g Certifications, Passports, property documents, car documents and the likes. Before doing that, scan all said documents and send them to your email.

b) Women, please, I beg you in the name of God, DOCUMENT YOUR ABUSE. I know he is your loving husband who has promised to change and he will not do it again, the Bible says bla bla bla……but a smart woman keeps a back up plan for “just what if” situations.

If he sends you life/violence threatening emails, texts or messages, screen grab these messages and store them in like manner as the pictures.

If he beats and batters you, take pictures of your battered body, save them in the archive of your phones and also send them to your email and the email of a trusted friend or sister.

Then go to the hospital, always go to your State or Federal clinic(NOT A PRIVATE CLINIC) tell the doctor you were assaulted by your spouse, let them check you, document your injuries and give you treatment. You will appreciate the relevance of this action and information at the point in time you are in court litigating divorce and child custody matters.

c) Pack an emergency duffel bag. You know how a pregnant woman has a pre-packed hospital bag? You need a pre-packed emergency exit bag. Some toiletries, smart wear, foot wear, night wear, tampons etc..you can add anything else you consider a “precious or resourceful item” to this list. Whatever you think you may need on an emergency exit, just add it. You can keep this bag in your office, business place, in a friend’s apartment, in your parents place. Whatever works for you, as long as its a secure place where that information will not be disclosed to your spouse. It’s fine.

d) You need a contact book. Put down phone numbers and detailed information of every vital and resourceful contact you have in that book and keep that book together with your other stuff out of the house.

I don’t care who your contacts are, whether in your past or present, toaster, ex, employer etc If you know that is a person who you can run to for help in a time of need & urgency, pen down their names and numbers there and live morality for the bleeding moral police.

e) Save! Save!! Save!!! Stop blowing money on aso ebi and other such irrelevancies. Understand that you are in a precarious position. Use that money to buy gold jewelry. Gold appreciates. Someday those earrings will help pay school fees, pay your lawyer, feed your kids and other vitals you may need.

Housewives, if your abusive hubby wants to apologize with a gift? Go and Choose a set of correct gold jewelry and tell him that’s how the gods can be appeased.

Women, you need to learn to be proactive.
This life is not for sisis.

We are the strongest of the genders when it comes to mental strength and enduring pain. Stop underestimating yourself. You can survive so much more than you can imagine if you engage your brain logically.

In your situation, it’s a dog eat dog world out there. Only the smart/strong survive.

Your lawyers, strategic planners and other helpers are not miracle workers. We will still need what you have to help your case.

Thank you.”

Written by Esiri Ukueku-Uduaghan