“I’m involved with a married man. We have been dating for over two years. One time, he asked that I have a child for him, but after a while he never mentioned it again, so I didn’t take him seriously anyway.
But he just started talking about it again. He wants us to have a child. He promised to marry me once it is confirmed that I’m pregnant because he wouldn’t want me to give birth to his child outside wedlock.
I love him enough to marry him even as a third wife but I need your wise counsel.”
One Sandra sent this via email and below is my response:
Dear Sandra,
First of all, I get emails like this all the time from single and even married women romantically involved with other men. I’m the least person to condemn how you choose to live your life, which from all indications you have it almost figured out already.
You have taken a stand because obviously, you are in love with him. My duty however is merely to lay bare some facts that would enable you hope for the best as well as prepare you for the worst.
If you are settling for what he’s offering, then prepare yourself for a life of possible disappointment, because it may happen.
Did you care to find out why he asked you to have a baby the first time and never mentioned it again, only to resume after a while?
These may be some possibilities:
Most men change their minds easily like a girl changes clothes. Sometimes, they take irrational decisions during mid life crisis, set backs at work or when there’s no peace at home.
When they fight or have misunderstandings with their wives, they often turn to their side chicks for peace, love, care and understanding.
In such moments of weakness or finding comfort in another woman’s arms, they want a lot of things. These may include a baby, moving in with you temporarily, moving to another city, taking another wife etc.
But the minute they make peace with their wives or whatever it is they may be dealing with, they abandon all the plans they have with you. They cancel dates without having the courtesy of even calling to inform you. They will just not show up and even ignore your calls as well.
If things are going well at home with their wives, they may ghost you for as long as it takes to protect their immediate family. And at this time, you will feel betrayed, hurt and abandoned. They may even not contact you again.
If he eventually comes around after weeks or months of ghosting you, he acts all miserable about the situation while you continue to listen to his expressions of misery and also fulfill his amorous sexual needs.
He will tell you how he needs more time to build up his wife’s confidence before possibly telling her about you and the child and his level of commitment. Trust me, this may never happen. He will come around, get all the good sex, then go back home to his wife.
Some men will at first promise they would divorce their wives once you take in for them but change their minds after you are certified pregnant. They will even plead with you to keep the baby a secret as they don’t want to lose their marriages.
You will be shocked to learn that the same man who promised to be by your side, spend nights at home with you looking after the child and growing old together will suddenly start singing a different tune when he eventually gets what he wants.
There is also the possibility that his wife would insist he cannot take another wife. She is willing to accept your child as their own but no marriage and because they have built a home together with pressure coming from his family, siblings, parents, religious leaders, mentors and bosses etc, he will cave in and realize that he has so much to lose if he decides to go on with his plans.
A man who is willing to take another wife but wants to announce that the reason he’s taking a new wife is because she’s pregnant and he doesn’t want his child born out of wedlock is a manipulator. He’s not trustworthy or reliable. He lacks respect and loyalty to both his wife and to you.
To his wife, you are the home wrecker, a husband snatcher who trapped her husband with pregnancy. You shall forever remain the enemy and not the husband who manipulated and distorted the situation to favour himself.
Their children’s reproachful eyes will always stare at you as they believe you are the devil that ruined their parents’ marriage and once happy home. You won’t have peace with such a situation no matter how you look at it.
Before you agree to his request, make sure you have a list of things you need him to provide while he’s ironing out his plans. Don’t agree to his proposal without having plans of your own. You are setting yourself up for pain in the future.
These provisions will enable you stay afloat should he start acting up or giving you reasons he doesn’t want to be associated with you or your child going forward, so you don’t lose on all ends. Your child should be well catered for.
Dear men, you may be going through crisis in your marriages, be unhappy but have remained for the sake of your children or whatever but if you are tired of your marriage it is best you call it quits.
This is important because when you finally find another person, no one will blame her for ruining your marriage as you left of your own volition.
Marrying another woman secretly or deceiving ladies into having children for you only to be left alone with the burden of raising your child alone is nothing but manipulative and dishonorable.
Written by Amaka Nicolas