If you grew up with persistent insecurities, you know what an absolute pain they can be to overcome.
As frustrating as they are, insecurities are a natural part of being human, and it’s normal to feel that they are more powerful and important than our positive qualities.
“Our brains are naturally wired to pay more attention to the negative than the positive,” psychotherapist Liz Kelly, LICSW, says. It’s evolutionary: for early humans, “it was more important to know if a man-eating tiger was around the corner, rather than delighting in a rainbow or a butterfly,” Kelly says.
But in the modern world, “paying too much attention to our negative thoughts can get in the way of our happiness, productivity, and ability to connect to others,” she says.
Overcoming deep seated insecurities isn’t an overnight process, but there are some things you can do to improve your self esteem. Here’s where to start, according to therapists:
1. Take a few deep breaths if you are in a negativity spiral
“When you catch yourself spiraling down into self criticisms, stop and breathe,” Navarro says. Try inhaling for five seconds, holding for five seconds, then exhaling for five seconds. This will break your negative thinking pattern while calming your body and anxiety, she explains.
2. Approach your insecurity with curiosity
Once you feel calm, ask yourself what triggered your insecurity. “Allow yourself to notice the specific emotions that are arising and what might have been the catalyst for them,” creative mindfulness coach Katy Oberle, IMFT, says. Maybe you were scrolling through social media, saw a photo of someone looking “perfect,” felt that you weren’t good enough, and became sad or anxious. “In that moment, you can remind yourself that you are unique and worthy, and that perhaps social media isn’t serving you well in that moment,” Oberle says.
3. Address your inner critic directly
You can try externalizing your insecurity by pretending your critical voice is a person you can speak to directly. “Use positive self talk to say things like ‘I am doing the best I can,’ ‘I am enough,’ or ‘My worth is not dependent on my productivity,'” Kelly says.
4. Distance yourself from negative thoughts
“Our brains can think all kinds of things, but it doesn’t mean all those things are true,” Stephani Bradford, LCSW, says. She offers a simple trick to remind yourself that a thought is just a thought – no more powerful or true than any other. Simply say, “I am having the thought that . . .” before the negative thing you’re thinking.”
5. Identify some of your favorite things about yourself and cultivate self compassion
“Practicing self compassion, using positive self affirmations, and recognizing the value of the things they are insecure about can help increase one’s self-worth and help them feel better about themselves and what they have to offer others,” Holly Schiff, PsyD, says. It’s worth noting, too, that self-compassion “is neither self-pity nor self-indulgence,” psychologist Houyuan Luo, PhD, says. “Instead, it is about having kindness and understanding for yourself.”
6. Journal about your insecurities
It can be helpful to talk to others about your insecurities, but doing so might understandably be scary. It can feel safer to start by writing about them in a journal, therapist Rhonda Boyd, LPC, says: “By doing this, my clients can better understand their feelings and work through them on their own time without feeling like someone else is judging them or telling them what to do.”
If you are still struggling with persistent insecurities or feel that your insecurities are getting in the way of your daily life, consider reaching out to a therapist for support, therapist Kailey Hockridge, LPCC, says. “In therapy, you have an opportunity to develop skills to help you cope with your emotions, explore your history, and engage in your relationships in ways that feel good for you.”
