A mom who has spent the last 47 years caring for her son with down syndrome, says that if she could go back in time, she would have an abortion.
Already parents to their older son, Andrew, Gillian, and Roy Relf were delighted to have another child. Gillian was a healthy 22-year-old at the time.
The pregnancy moved along seemingly fine. However, Gillian says she recalls feeling like there was something wrong with her baby.
When their son was born, Gillian and Roy thought again that there was something wrong with their baby boy, named Stephen. The doctors, however, said that there was nothing wrong. It wasn’t until Stephen got sick seven months later when a pediatrician referred to Stephen as a “mongol” child (what they used to call babies with down syndrome) that she finally confirmed her fears: She would be caring for her son for the rest of her life.
Immediately, Gillian began questioning herself. What had she done wrong? Had she done something to cause his disability? From there, she thought of their future. Marriages that have children with severe disabilities have a much higher likelihood of falling apart.
What would Stephen’s life be like? What about her older son, Andrew? He would be saddled with taking care of his brother after Gillian and Roy would be gone.
Back then, there were no medical tests that you can do to see if your unborn child has down syndrome. Today, among women in the US who have that test done (only about 2%), 75% choose to abort their child upon learning they have down syndrome.
Though she knows it sounds terrible to say, Gillian says that she wishes detection and abortion had been an option for her.
“while I do love my son, and am fiercely protective of him, I know our lives would have been happier and far less complicated if he had never been born. I do wish I’d had an abortion,” she explains. “If he had not been born, I’d have probably gone on to have another baby, we would have had a normal family life and Andrew would have the comfort, rather than the responsibility, of a sibling, after we’re gone.”
A Long, Difficult, Complicated Life
It was hard for Gillian and Roy to watch their son grow and yet not achieve things others can. He didn’t walk until age five. To this day, he can only say a few words. Her life quickly became load after load of laundry because of Stephen’s incontinence. Now a full-grown man, he still has tantrums in public just like a young child would.
As a mother, Gillian was yet again wracked with guilt. At the same time, she knew she could not properly care for her son. More than anything else, she felt relief.
Though she and Roy have managed to come through this together thus far, it has not been easy. They have both been deeply unhappy because of this struggle. Stephen comes to live with them on some weekends and holidays, but some days he doesn’t want to go. They have been removed from planes and had trips canceled because Stephen is having a temper tantrum.
Gillian is acutely aware of the shame that some women receive when they are honest about their decision to abort their child when they discover that they have down syndrome or another similar disability.
“I’d challenge any one of them to walk a mile in the shoes of mothers like me, saddled for life as I am, with a needy, difficult, exasperating child who will never grow up, before they judge us,” she says. “They should experience how it feels to parent a grown man, who is no more able to care for himself than a toddler – and at a time of life when your children should, all things being equal, be taking care of you.”