My biggest fear was becoming a single mom. I worried that taking on that role would shatter my dream of raising my kids and grandchildren with the love of my life.
Despite my best efforts, my fears came to fruition and I’ve been tasked with reimagining what love and family look like.
One of my insecurities during the incipient stages of dating as a divorcee with a child was how my “market value” would go down. That insecurity isn’t wildly abnormal for women like me and we can all guess what fuels that.
Think podcast bros raised by single moms dragging today’s single moms through the mud. Think “high value” men in group chats lamenting the audacity of a woman asking them to pay for a ‘sitter.
Think episode three hundred and and fifty trash of the late Kevin Samuels telling single moms they are close to worthless in the dating market. Think a video floating around in May from OWN’s Put a Ring on It of a man saying he was too high value to settle for a single mom.
Is it wrong for men to not want to date single moms? Absolutely not. As a woman raising my son alone, I can admit that dating a solo parent comes with tons of responsibilities and unique challenges; especially if you plan to build a life with them.
Saying single moms aren’t your preference because you don’t want to be a stepparent, deal with blended families, have to work around a mom’s schedule, and accept not being a woman’s number one focus is fair. I can respect it.
However, saying dating a single mom is lowering your standards implies that single moms are less valuable and that’s simply infallible nonsense. The issue I have is with the tone of the messaging and the underlying toxic belief systems they amplify.
As mentioned, so many of these men were raised by single moms and it seems their sentiments are projections of the struggles they endured in their homes.
That could range from having absent fathers, witnessing ongoing conflict between both parents, feeling like they had to choose sides, or not getting enough time with their father. All of these things can be realities of single parent homes and I agree, they suck.
If you’ve experienced that, a natural response is to condemn this upbringing or try not to repeat the cycle. However, when that is expressed as toxic rhetoric like, “Dating a single mom is lowering my standards,” which I’ve heard, it becomes both unkind and polarizing.
It also feels like misdirected anger. You loathe the single moms but have nothing to say about the responsibilities of the sometimes subpar or deadbeat dads.
For those arguing, “You should have chosen a better baby daddy—it’s not my job to raise someone else’s child,” maybe you’re right. Accountability is is needed when we as women choose terrible fathers, but accountability should not mean condemnation and mistakes also don’t make us less worthy of respect.
Men who devalue women because they’re single parents also show a lack of range when it comes to critical thinking because single motherhood can happen to anybody. It isn’t reserved for women who have one-night stands without protection.
There are widows, women who were abandoned by their partners, domestic abuse victims who escaped with the kids, women who unsuccessfully fought for a marriage that was irreparable, and those who were brave enough to decide single motherhood would be better than a loveless marriage. No matter how it came about, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.