It was one of our worst fights ever. I don’t even remember what it was about, because during that time in our marriage — I’m not going to lie.
We fought a lot and we fought hard, and we fought about a lot of stupid things because we were each in our own, separate dark places. I’d been suffering from a long bout of anxiety and depression.
I was on meds that weren’t working as well as I’d hoped, and I was self-medicating with carbs and laziness to the point where I’d gained 20 more pounds on top of the ten I’d already needed to lose in the first place.
I’m tall, but I have a small frame, so I wasn’t carrying the extra weight well, and being overweight and out of shape added to my misery and self-loathing.I knew I looked terrible, but I felt worse.
“You have a huge pot belly,” my husband blurted out. I think he said some other things, too, about how I ate poorly, how I lacked the will to get off the couch and exercise, and how unattractive that was. I don’t even remember because all I could focus on was that one comment and it completely gutted me. I collapsed on the floor and wept, not just because he said it, but because it was true.
I wasn’t the woman, mentally or physically, that my husband had married. I had, as they say, “let myself go” without even meaning to, even though I’d always sworn I’d never let that happen. I understand absolutely why my husband was disappointed in me, and in a way, it was a little bit like I’d broken my wedding vows. I was even more disappointed in myself.
Of course, that didn’t excuse my husband for being a total jerk and saying something like that. I was furious that he would speak to me like that. His words were unacceptable, but they weren’t unforgivable.
I got mad that day. Really, really mad. But I didn’t call him out for being mean. I cried, and then I got up off the floor and used all of the rage, hurt, and sadness that I felt about what he’d said as motivation.
“You have a huge pot belly” became the mantra of my challenge as I vowed to get revenge by showing my husband up. It wasn’t just revenge, though fury is a potent motivator, so whatever works, you know? At least at first.
I wanted to do my part in healing my marriage, too. I needed to show him that I was making the effort to be healthier, more energetic, and more attractive because our marriage mattered to me.
I also decided that I needed to lose weight because I wanted our daughter to have parents who were role models for self-care and compassion toward ourselves and one another. I thought it would be good to show her that marriage is work and that I was willing to do that work even when it meant giving up my beloved nachos and midnight bowls of cereal.
Almost a year after that terrible day, I had lost twenty pounds and I had gained a ton of confidence. I looked so much better. In fact, I looked better than I did on my wedding day. Ten years later, I even tried my wedding dress on and delighted in the fact that it was loose.
The main reason that I looked better, though, was because I felt better, and I felt better because I was taking care of myself, moving, and eating the right foods to heal my body, which I hadn’t been doing before. When I neglected myself, I also, inadvertently, neglected my family and my marriage.
It’s been a year and a half now and I’m in great shape, so is my marriage. Although I started losing weight for my husband, things didn’t improve just because I had dropped a few dress sizes.
