“My husband suddenly wants a traditional wife after his parents visited because I earn more than him”

“My husband (28M) and I (30F) have been going through a very rough patch recently and I’m struggling with what to do.

 

 

We have been together 4.5 years, married for 2.5 years. We both work full time in professional tech jobs, but so far, I have taken a much larger share of household and life responsibilities (cleaning, cooking, managing finances and bills, managing healthcare for both of us, managing social activities).

 

 

I was never fully happy with this setup but thought that he was genuinely trying to change and contribute in a more equal way whenever I brought it up.

 

 

Fast forward to this summer when my in-laws visited. I haven’t seen them since before we got married and they came with a lot of opinions and expectations about what I should do (basically take care of all household duties) as a wife.

 

 

Through arguments and disagreements, my husband has now come to the conclusion that he wants a “traditional” wife who doesn’t work and takes care of all household responsibilities and in the future, kids, so that he doesn’t have to be bothered with anything when he is done with work.

 

 

 

On the other hand, I enjoy my job and building my career – that doesn’t mean that I do not and am not willing to do other household responsibilities, I just want it to be an equal partnership. He admitted that in the past, I had responsibility for the majority of things – as a result that also makes me stressed and easily irritated.

 

 

 

 

 

He claims that he supports and is happy for my career but that he thinks I shouldn’t have to work. I asked him, so is it okay with you if I don’t work right now because at the moment we cannot afford to live our lives if I don’t work (at the moment I earn about 50% more).

 

 

He said that me working now is to reach the future goal of only him working and me being a housewife. He apologized for misleading me in the past about what he wants in a relationship.

 

 

I love him dearly and was very happy with him in the past before this but I don’t feel that I can continue down this path if he is adamant about the “traditional” wife relationship that he prefers. I feel like I’m not asking him to give up anything, I’m just asking him to contribute in a more equal way which takes some time and effort.

 

 

On the other hand, he expects me to eventually give up what I want to do and the sense of purpose and accomplishment I get from my career.

 

 

I feel very hurt that he doesn’t see me as an equal. Even though I am smart, educated, capable – he just sees me as someone to take care of him and any future kids.

 

 

We have been distant from each other the past few weeks and part of me knows our extremely differing views won’t work but the other part of me just wants to be happy and close with him again. I can’t stop crying all the time.”

 

Any advice on how to work through this?