Ladies, stop being exclusive with every relationship. You don’t become exclusive with a man you date until he proves that he is worthy of your exclusivity. Stop staying faithful to men who are testing waters while dating. Keep your options open too.
Ladies, don’t tie yourselves down because some men promised you heaven and earth. Sometimes, some of these men are just time wasters who string women along exclusively and later go for someone else.
Esiri Ukueku-Uduaghan wrote this eye opening post regarding this issue:
“While dating, Nigerian women should learn to leave their options open as opposed to default exclusivity and I am glad this is gaining traction.
As women we must begin to have these conversations if we intend to be result oriented via progressive thinking, we must not sentimentalise our way through these conversations but must endeavor to address these issues dispassionately.
Those who know me well will tell you for free that my position on this issue for those who desire to get married is – EVERYONE IS SINGLE UNTIL THEY ARE MARRIED.
It’s not my desire that anyone settles for less because of some loyalty to some relationship.
At the end of the day, marriage is not something you go into out of pity, neither should you trade your happiness or gift your happiness to anyone by sacrificing it.
If a man feels in his guts that he would be better off with Chinenye, then he should never go ahead to propose to Chioma due to a long period of dating, else he would hold Chioma by the standard of Chinenye for the rest of her life, nurse regrets and blame her for every downfall and vice versa. It’s a lose lose situation.
I think the point to note is that women keep going into exclusive relationships by default and the questions are:
Should a relationship be exclusive by default?
Shouldn’t exclusivity be expressly discussed?
Shouldn’t exclusivity be earned?
So a man comes now and expresses his feelings to you. He takes you out on a few dates and tells you that he would really like for you guys to get to know yourselves and see where it goes from there. You start building a friendship.
Do you at this point take all of your options off the table? Do you shut down all prospectives in this regard? Do you turn down any other option coming your way at this point?
Just like that.. After a few dates and his stringing a few nice words together, throws in a kiss here and there.
Do you gift him exclusivity or should it be earned by his walking his talk over a period of time consistently?
The point is when you do not know for a fact whether you are his priority or his option, is it a smart choice to shut down all your options?
Also when you are not sure yet, if you are willing to make him a priority or an option, is it a smart choice to shut down your options?
Cos the only way you find out what category he/you fall into, is to actually date him. If he says bla bla bla.. I’m not gon take his word for it, that will be naive.
Another pertinent question is.. If you do not expressly discuss exclusivity, do you not run the risk of being exclusive to one who is in turn merely casually dating you?
Exclusivity might very well be going on only in your head.
A lot of people do not expressly discuss exclusivity, it’s merely assumed. He likes me, he asked me out, we are hanging out, we are intimate, therefore:- We are exclusive.
A lot of couples don’t even say the words “I Love You” to each other, until months into their relationship. Yet women freely offer exclusivity right at the door.
How is this? Who taught us this? Who taught us to think like this as women? Because the fact is that alot of men do not share this orientation we are peddling through life with. So where did women get it from?
That’s how come so many women get dumped by finding out their BF’s are getting married or their BF’s now have a serious girlfriend.
That’s how so many women have ended up exclusive with Men who unknown to them were actually married.
What am I saying? Some women are in an exclusive relationship with husband’s who in actual fact are casually dating within marriage.
The whole time they thought they were exclusive, unknown to them exclusivity was on their part alone.
A relationship is like a body of water, you have to watch how it flows. You must pay attention to the body language of the one you are with, his actions and inactions else you will keep getting knocked.
To me, placing exclusivity at the door of all relationships you get into is tantamount to first of all making a decision to get married and then dating afterwards.
If you are looking to get married, isn’t dating an exercise on your path to finding “The One”?
If you are exclusive by default with anyone who shoots his shot, how are you supposed to find “The One” amongst a pool of Men?
I think Men get this logic, (It’s nothing personal) which is why they do a better job at finding women that SUIT/SOOTH them than we are at finding husbands.
That’s how the “Men Are Scarce” notion thrives against women. Men will be scarce, when every second you are exclusive with any man who knocks at the door of your heart.
Finally, we must truly ask ourselves as women, how well the default exclusivity doctrine (wherever it hailed from) has benefitted us in the past.
Some of us will tell you factually that alot of times it has turned out to be nothing but a time waster.
I’m never exclusive with anyone until he has significantly proven to me that he is indeed worth my exclusivity.”
This was a good read.