Women have been accused of acting like angels before marriage and then showing their true colours after legitimately gaining the title of Iyawo. (Wife)
This appears to be true in some cases, because our society has placed marriage as the epitome of a woman’s existence and socialises our women to conform to the “good girl syndrome” to attain that status.
This forms the creed of members of the “pick-me-ists” colony(women suffering from a likability disorder) and pretence happens to be an integral and fundamental thread woven into the fabric of pickmeism.
Nevertheless, no one seems to pay attention to the pretence displayed by a good number of Nigerian Men in furtherance of their marital pursuits.
Like all things negatively masculine in this environment, it sails under the radar completely unnoticed because it presents as one thing but its always disguised as another to make it appear tolerable.
I will address this topic from the angle of Nigerian Men, as they form the bulk of my research and observations in this regard.
The Average Nigerian Man (ANM) marries a woman who possesses a/some quality(ies) he admires with the ultimate intention of breaking her into the type of wife he wants after the marriage.
The only person who is privy to this information before the marriage is the man, he doesn’t disclose his intentions to the woman. She is completely oblivious.
And then like a sheep to the slaughter, he pretentiously lures her into the slaughter house, by nodding to her likes and dislikes, Meeting her terms and conditions, Accepting her lifestyle choices, smiling to her goals and dreams, etc.
He does this all in a bid to get her to be comfortable with him and find him suitable enough to meet her spousal needs, to which she takes the bold step to the altar and says the words “I do”.
Once he has got her where he wants her, (in his house bearing Mrs. His name) he proceeds to strip her of everything uniquely hers.
He goes chiseling away at her likes, choices, goals, mindsets, personality traits etc thereby damaging her self esteem, self worth, self identity and self value.
His very intention is to break his wife down into little lego pieces, and just like the game of blocks, build her into the woman he wants her to be, without her consent.
Whether that version of a person is suitable to her is irrelevant, she is now his wife and so as her husband she must conform to his dictates. Only his wishes count now.
(Manipulative, wicked, divisive, deceitful, oppressive, suppressive, dishonest, vile, mean-spirited, selfish, shrewd, pretentious, predatory, parasitic..)
These words and more define the qualities of these sort of men and they are a dime a dozen on our environment because they were also socialised, i.e raised by culture and society with this sense of entitlement over the women they marry.
These men play the fool, they will remain in character and act whatever part they know suits your image of a husband for as long as it takes to date you, just to get you to marry them.
Dear ladies, you need to understand that many men are pretentious before marriage, and they will stick to that script with blood, sweat and water to lure you in.
That’s how come you see women you used to know, who were happy, bubbly and sound become a shadow of themselves after marriage.
You’d even wonder how in the world they could ever end up with the type of men they did, considering who they used to be.
In the cause of working with women in problematic marital situations, I always find it baffling to see grown women suffering from Identity Crisis.
They have no recollection of who they used to be, they have no idea who they are now, their destinies have been so derailed that they don’t know how to move forward. They are lost.
This is why I BELIEVE and strongly ADVOCATE that the bedrock of any great relationship, whether or not it leads to marriage is ACCEPTANCE.
Everyone of us desires to be accepted and loved for who we are. If your partner is unable to accept the person that you are, then your relationship is nothing.
Yes, we each have our behavioural flaws here and there, but fundamentally to every human there is a CORE.
If he is uncomfortable with who you are, how you think, what you feel, how you dress, how you look, how you talk, consistently trying to change you at your core even when you are at tour best, He is not your “partner”, HE IS A MAN WITH A CHISEL IN HAND.
Whether or not he is vocal about it, pay attention to his body language. If he displays discomfort over your personal choices, If he swells up like a man suffering from indigestion while trying his best to conceal it, you might have a problem my sister.
You’d ask; What is wrong? He’d Answer; Nothing.
But you don’t look happy. Ans; I’m alright.
đ€Łđ€Łđ€Ł
If he consistently hangs out with friends and is surrounded with family who share a totally different ideology and belief system from that which YOU THINK you mutually share.
And whenever they begin to spew their guts he stays silent and smiles aggreeably, Sister!! you might very well have a chisel holding man waiting for you to say “I do”.
Do not just pay attention to the man you are with, always pay attention to the friends he keeps and the family members he is close to.
Do not just pay attention to how he treats you, pay close attention to how ge treats others around him, because one day those others will be you.
Loads of men have mastered the art of deceit, so you must be extra careful, extra observant and extra smart.
Stop sweeping stuff under the carpet and making excuses for your love interest.
When you see a red flag, when you find something unsettling, contradictory or confusing, speak up!! Silence no epp anybody.
Ask pertinent question, take him to task on it and pay very good attention to what he says now, what he does tomorrow and what he says next tomorrow.
Do his actions match his words?
Are his testimonies consistent or does he continue to modify them, twist and change them from time to time to suit the beneficial narrative.
Does he express some difficulty walking his talk amongst family and friends. Does he begin to modify his character before onlookers.
Please note that a man who is in a relationship with you is a grown adult. Never be deceived that he is unsure of what he wants.
Yes!! Like every human being his wants may change. But today he knows what he wants and if what he wants today is not the person that you are, then he is with you in the hopes that he can change you and your wants.
And when his wants change in the future, you may be put through a further chiseling exercise or he may discard you all together for a new woman who he can chisel once more to his new speculations.
Men can be just as pretentious if not more pretentious than women in this regard, the only difference being that theirs is underplayed, excused and has gone unnoticed for aeons.
It’s been hidden behind the words.. “This is marriage no longer relationship” “You are my wife no longer my Girlfriend” “You now have to behave like a wife.” There are some things that will not be tolerated in my home. If you were doing that in “your father’s” house, this is my house, it will not be tolerated in my house.. LOL…
And when you cry out, society will proceed to tell you that this is the way of marriage.
They’d top that with their favourite parable- “Marriage is like a packageđ, you never know what you are getting, until you open it. ”
Then digest it with “Your husband is your head, submit to him, key into his vision and obey his instructions, if you want to be happy in your marriage” đđ
And with those few words my sister, the scam against you will be crystallised.
You’d go home to your scam artist of a husband, bend, twist and turn your grown self to conform to your new reality under the rule of your dictator and chisel master.
Ladies!!! open your eyes…
Do not allow yourself be scammed..
And if you do find that you have been scammed, then do not allow yourself be chiseled and broken.
Fight your oppressor and stand on your two feet in that marriage with your full identity intact.
If this is an impossible situation, then LEAVE!!!
A lot of women resign to fate too easily.. IT’S VERY BAD. If you lose yourself, then what is your gain.
Nothing in life is worth that price so many of you pay.
Learn to be RESOLUTE!!! You are worth fighting for.
Stop bearing babies for your dictators and oppressors. The same one who lied, manipulated and deceived you into a relationship and marriage with him.
Carry your legs and your womb and LEAVE such useless men. They will never be worth it, no matter how many centuries you stay married to them.
You know how I know that? You have been chiseled into a life and personality that was never yours and so you will never LIVE. Your own life will always be the sacrifice upon which that union thrives.
Don’t allow your life be sabotaged even before it properly begins.
Seek for Acceptance..
Choose a partner with whom you can freely be yourself at all times without fear or favor.
Find yourself the ying to your yang..
You must therefore, be yourself while dating.
Do not feel pressured to be perfect around your date.
Stop acting wife material upandan, e no epp nobody. Learn to speak your mind unequivocally.
And do not be carried away by niceties and frivolities, pay rapt attention to the person you are with.
Do you…
Do you all the way, so you’d find your tribe out there.
There is definitely someone out there, with the capacity to love you for you.
By Esiri Ukueku-Uduaghan
