At 35, I am barren, broke, lost and suicidal

At my age, I should be in a better place. I look at my life and wonder how things got so bad with me despite all my efforts.
I am a hard-working person. I am honest with people. I love my family and friends but all I get is heartbreaks and abandonment.
My mom won’t call me until she needs money and when I tell her that I don’t have, she calls me names.
She tells me that am the most wicked person out of all her children. I am the first of six children. So, the pressure is too much on me.
But my efforts are not being reciprocated. No one knows what am going through. No one calls to find out how am doing. No one knows how battle depression.
All my mom and siblings care about is money. Once they sense don’t have money, they abandon me. But if get things from me, they stay close.

At my age, I should be successful

I crave a close relationship them but they don’t feel the same. It hurts knowing that no one cares if I live or die. They only care about what they can get from them.
I have tried talking to my mom about her attitude but she tells me that it’s my duty to take care of her and my siblings.
I have explained that I don’t make much money but she will ask me are my mates not the ones building houses for their mothers. She has refused to understand me. I can’t soil my honour because of money.
These days, she doesn’t talk to me neither does my brother and my younger sisters. They isolate me. They plan and do things without informing me. I hear it when it’s done.
I have equally stayed away from them but it hurts. This is my family. I don’t have too many friends. I am introverted. I only allow few people into my world.
At my age, I am barren. I can’t have children. I have tried for 12 twelves years to have a child but it’s not working. All my mates have children of their own but it’s hard for me.
Whenever I hear someone know gave birth, I will start crying. I will start asking God for forgiveness. I don’t know why God won’t give me children.
It’s Christmas time and I feel so bad. I don’t have anything to live for. I am alone. I feel alone. No one to share my burdens with. I’m depressed. I just want to die.
Please help me post this. I don’t know who else to turn to. What do I do about my situation? At my age, I should be on my feet financially. I should have children. I should be living a good life.
But Am broke, lost, barren and suicidal. Why is God so partial? What have I done to deserve this? Why is God silent about my life? Why are things not working out for good for me?
I don’t have money. I don’t have children. I don’t have my family’s love and support. I don’t have friends. I don’t know what I will do. I don’t know how to put my life right on track again.
I’m so heartbroken. I don’t go to church anymore. I can’t continue living like this. I am tired.

Kate

Woman. Journalist. Writer. Blogger. Non Conformist. Rebel. Daring. Creative. Amazing. Unstoppable.

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2 Responses

  1. Yemi says:

    Please Jesus loves you so much. You have so to live for in spite of all your problems.

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